Self-Esteem: Building Confidence Through Therapy
Self-Esteem and Therapy
Low self-esteem, self-doubt, and inner-criticism are some major reasons why folks seek therapy. In the medical model of mental health there is a lot of focus depression and anxiety. These symptoms are often indicative of deeper patterns of relating to self and other. In my practice I often find that when we look deeper into anxiety or depression we find patterns of low self-esteem and excessive self-criticism. These patterns result in a painful self-doubt, negatively impacting one's self-worth, or uncertainty about oneself both internally and in relationships.
Self-Esteem and Emotions
Our self-esteem is related to our sense that we are worthy of respect, honor, and validation. It is also a lived recognition that our emotions have intrinsic value, which is essential for nurturing self-respect. If we are critical of our own emotions, it is going to be very hard to develop genuine self-esteem. Why is that? Because when we criticize our emotions we are criticizing our selves. Sure emotions aren’t all of who we are, yet they are an expression of who we are. So if we are critical of our own emotion then it requires us to shame ourselves. This creates inner division and ultimately fuels whatever symptoms we might have. Because when we shame our emotions, they have to get expressed in other ways. Emotions are a kind of inner energy, and they don’t just disappear when we want them to. If we try to make them disappear, they have to get expressed some other way.
How to build your self-esteem?
Building self-esteem is much more than learning to “think positive.” Many clients come in with the notion that “thinking positive” will somehow cure their ails. They read about manifesting, or on social media see influencers talk about it. Being able to “think positive” can be an important part of overall psychological well-being- namely to frame our experience through generative meaning-making interpretations of experience. However, if we approach this rigidly or defensively we can actually use the ideal of “thinking positive” to shame ourselves, to repress our emotions, to disconnect from our authenticity, and ultimately to contribute to our symptoms of self-loathing and low self-esteem.
I have seen this happen too many times to not mention it. It is a complex psychological topic that I am not going to discuss in great detail in this short writing. The most important thing I think is to recognize that psychologically speaking we aren’t only one thing, or even one person. We are actually many things. And in this society we typically need to squeeze ourselves into narrow ideals. Generally speaking, this does not help our symptoms. Rather it makes them worse. So we need to focus on undoing that, and if we start comparing ourselves to some positive thinking ideal in every scenario we can not only lose touch with the truth of our experience, we can drive our patterns that create symptoms deeper into ourselves.
Overcoming Negative Self-Talk: A Therapeutic Approach
Therapy bridges the gap between self-doubt and confident self-awareness by providing a safe space for individuals to explore their emotions and experiences. As people deeply engage in therapeutic practices, they uncover hidden patterns of self-criticism and internal conflict that have hindered their self-esteem. By addressing these patterns, therapy helps people cultivate a sense of worthiness and respect for themselves. Consistently valuing their emotions within therapy allows them to foster genuine self-compassion and fortify their self-belief.
I would not trust any therapy process that suggests we shouldn’t feel the entire range of our emotions as human beings. I encourage people to discontinue labeling some emotions as “positive” and others as “negative.” Emotions are just emotions. When we learn to connect with them in our bodies, in our minds, with the felt-sense of them, they reveal something to us about our own nature and the nature of reality. If we constantly judge them we are just going to stay stuck.
Methods Therapists Employ to Enhance Confidence
Understanding Emotions: Recognize and value emotions as expressions of self.
Reducing Criticism: Address and reduce patterns of self-criticism to improve self-esteem.
Exploring Origins: Uncover root causes of low self-esteem linked to past experiences.
Building Compassion: Cultivate self-compassion and a positive self-view.
Empowering Through Therapy: Use therapy as a transformative journey for increased self-confidence.
Practicing Self-Awareness: Observe tendencies to minimize or disconnect from feelings.
Connecting Feelings to Needs: Align emotions with desires for self-preservation and self-care.
How Therapy Can Help
Most of the time when folks come to therapy they want to rid themselves of their emotions. When we dig into the process of therapy, even the most well-intentioned clients can experience patterns of rejecting their emotions and undermining their empowerment and self-esteem.
This is because we learn to do this from a young age. We learn that something about our emotions is unacceptable, which can severely affect our self-esteem. It then becomes automatic and unconscious.
For some of us its around anger. Our anger wasn’t tolerated or we weren’t taught to express it in life-affirming ways. For others it may be that we were told ‘not to be sad.’ Or that we shouldn’t be afraid. The list goes on.
The truth is, there is no feeling we shouldn’t have. Feelings are simply a response to a situation in our life. Telling ourselves to not feel is like telling our heart to not beat or our lungs to not breathe.
So in therapy we practice noticing the ways we minimize, criticize, and disconnect from our feelings. We learn to exist on the ‘edge’ of that place. Meaning we learn to observe that tendency and to practice reconnecting with our emotions.
Over time what happens is that we feel less internal conflict. We can start to recognize how our feelings are life-affirming; that is how they are connected to our desire for self-preservation. When we are able to tolerate them, to be conscious, then we can connect our feelings with our needs, wants, and limits. They become allies in our self-care. Our resilience and self-esteem improve, and we feel more confident in our relationships. If you want to ask more about working with me contact me here, or schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation below! You can also review a brief outline of what it might look like to work together here.
